How the room works.
Most platforms wait until things go wrong to write rules. We wrote ours first — so that when you’re posting at 11pm, you already know what kind of room you’ve walked into.
How we speak
We use identity-first language. Autistic child. Autistic adult. Autistic parent. That’s what the autistic adult community has asked for, and we listen to them.
We don’t use “high-functioning” or “low-functioning.” We don’t use the puzzle piece. We don’t say “warrior parent” or “autism mom” as if they were identities. We don’t say someone “suffers from” autism — that framing comes from outside the community.
If you slip into wording you’ve heard your whole life, we’ll help quietly. No public callouts.
What belongs here
Hard nights. The pickup that ended in tears. The IEP meeting where nobody listened. The joy of a kid who knows every train station on the East Coast. The thing your kid said this morning that made you cry. The thing they said yesterday that made you laugh.
Questions you’ve been afraid to ask. Wins that don’t sound like wins to anyone outside this room.
What doesn’t
Anything about “curing” autism. Biomedical “treatment” claims. Anti-vaccine framing. We are neurodiversity-aligned; cure-seeking is not what we do here.
Advice that wasn’t asked for. If someone is venting, they want to be heard, not fixed. “Have you tried...” is almost never the right move. Wait until they ask.
Pity. Autistic kids and the families who love them are not subjects of pity. Joy and struggle both belong on the page. Pity belongs somewhere else.
Selling. Promoting products, services, programs, or professional practices. This is not a marketplace.
How we talk about therapies
Cairn doesn’t take sides on therapy names. ABA, SLP, OT, NDBI — sharing what helped your kid or didn’t is welcome here. What we hold to a standard is how practices get framed.
Practices and goals that ignore the child’s signals, push for compliance for its own sake, or aim to make an autistic child appear neurotypical aren’t framings we host. The framework name is not the bar; the standard is.
Treat each other well
No bullying. No harassment. No racism, no transphobia, no ableism dressed up as concern. We’ve all met those folks; they don’t fit here.
Disagreement is fine — sharper disagreement is sometimes necessary. The line we hold is between disagreement and contempt.
If something feels wrong, report it. Every report goes to the founder and to advisors actively reviewing. We read every one. We do not auto-delete; humans decide.
When it’s a crisis
If you’re in crisis right now — yourself or your child — please reach out to people equipped to help.
- 988 (US): call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.
- Childhelp: 1-800-422-4453 if you’re worried about harm to a child.
- 911 if there is immediate danger.
Posts indicating self-harm or harm to a child get prioritized in our review queue. The person responding follows a written script and links to the resources above. We are not therapists; we are people who care.
A living document
These rules are a draft, being refined with our volunteer advisory group of autistic adults. They will evolve. The principles won’t.
Feedback about the rules — or how they’re applied — is welcome at hello@cairn.community.